Ok, so on the way home I started getting really sentimental! Watching my friend with her sweet little one, I was really envious. Envious that she had only one set of sweet eyes to look into, envious that all of her attention can be given to one, and sad that I may miss something one is doing because I am looking at the other. This time goes by so fast and I just dont want to miss one second. So, I started thinking "where is this all coming from?" And I think I am carrying some guilt around, maybe not unique to twin moms. I am constantly trying to spend equal time with both, go back and forth between who I pick up first, switching who has a bath first, who gets their bottle first, who gets put in the car first...I know, this is crazy! But I just dont want one twin to feel like he is more loved than the other...and it is really weighing me down. Last night, after they were asleep, I wanted to hold one of them...I stood at the cribs already feeling guilt over having to make a choice between the two. I finally chose Paxton because he isnt easily awoken, and my little Kel man, once he is up he is up!! So I sat rocking Paxton, feeling guilty Kellen wasnt getting special attention too. Oh man, guess I need to read a book or two on raising twins!
But even with all of these feelings, I am so grateful and forever thankful to have them in our lives. To be given less than a 1% chance of having a child, to then being handed two angels...I will never complain. But I did need to vent, so thanks for reading...Im sure tomorrow I will be back to sharing pictures of twins sucking toes!
2 comments:
Oh my dear I can totally relate!! Now that Mackenzie is crawling and pulling herself up I have to watch her and play with her more because she wants to be up on her feet all the time (and I do not want her to fall over and kill herself) so Brooke is usually just sitting there playing with her toys. I feel horrible as I give more attention to Kenzie. I can not offer any advice how to get over this feeling BUT just know I am in the same boat as you. Honestly, they know they are loved at the end of the day though. Brooke has to stay up a little later than Mackenzie so that is her special time each night. I put them in the car the same way each time, so I think they are used to that and they know who is next and such. But you know and I know that we do not love them more or less than the other twin and I think that is what matters most. We have some smart babies if they can contemplate if mommy loves me or my brother/sister more!! It does start to play a toll on you but I suppose that is something that will get easier as they get older and become more independent (or so I hope!). Just know, you are not alone and it is ok to vent...I do the same thing all the time!
Courtney....Ethan is only 10 days old and I have guilt that I don't read to him enough, or rock him enough. I think the mommy guilt arrives along with the baby. You are amazing with the boys.....I have a lot to learn from you!
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